Oct 10 Steve Rowe’s Facebook Status’s

For every minute spent in organising, an hour is earned.

 

I found eight more silver hairs in my beard this morning,…. so my theory is confirmed.
I’m turning into a wizard.

 

ITV have announced that they are going to make a celebrity version of I’m a celebrity get me out of here.

 

Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.

 

Molasses are surprisingly tasty. I’ve never tried any other parts of the mole though.

 

Enjoy your youth. You’ll never be younger than you are at this very moment.

 

Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure… it’s called a credit card.

 

A burp is a fart that took the elevator….

 

I’ve just realised that it’s not my knees that set off the alarms at the airport – its my abs of steel!

 

I don’t have trust issues, I just don’t trust you.

 

A winner makes commitment. A loser makes promises.

 

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

 

Twilight, the story of a young girls choice between necrophilia and bestiality…

 

Saw a large sign in a shop window today that said ‘MANAGERS SPECIAL’ Bit harsh I thought, nobodys perfect….

 

No man was ever wise by chance…

 

Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

 

No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It’s what you do afterwards that counts, that’s when you find out who you are.

 

In 20 years you will be more disappointed by what you didn’t do than by what you did….

 

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

 

I’m in shape. Unfortunately, it’s the wrong one.

 

I was reading the wikipedia article on cataracts – It was only partially cited

 

Apologising doesn’t always mean that you are wrong and they are right – it just means that you value your relationship more than your ego….

 

Judging a person does not define who they are – it defines who you are….

 

“Guy Fawkes Night – are we celebrating him getting caught or him having a go?”

 

I’ve failed my Maths exam more times than I can count.

 

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job… slowly raise your head and say, “In Jesus name, amen,”

 

You are not fully dressed until you wear a smile.

 

Life is not about understanding or doing it right. It’s about taking what you’ve got and just smiling about it anyway.

 

Justin Bieber baby claims are “demonstrably false,” says spokeswoman. His hymen is still intact.

 

It’s just as well money can’t buy happiness. With prices what they are today, who could afford it anyway?

 

If you want to make your dreams come true – the first thing you have to do is wake up….

 

You know when you walk into a room and forget why you went in there? That’s God playing Sims, he just cancelled your action.

 

1688 William of Orange sets out to liberate England. Even today some parts of the UK are still staunchly orange. Like Essex.

 

After 100 yrs at the bottom of the Atlantic, Irish divers were amazed to find the swimming pool of the Titanic was still full.

 

I can’t believe I’m an atheist.

 

Lots of people complain about their looks. But not nearly enough complain about their brains.

 

The Swedish have finally finished their case against Assange. They were just crossing the O’s and dotting the U’s…

 

It’s not how good your work is, it’s how well you explain it.

 

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

 

We never really grow up we only learn how to act in public…

 

The happiest people don’t have the best of everything – they make the best of everything.

 

Speak the truth – even if your voice shakes…..

 

When someone says, “Expect the unexpected,” I like to punch them in the face to express my disagreement.

 

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money….

 

I don’t need to do drugs as I can get the same effect these days just by standing up fast….

 

My pacemaker makes the garage door open when I see a pretty girl.

 

A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.

 

Going to McDonalds for salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

 

Nice make up….. looks like Crayola raped your face!

 

NEVER trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.

 

Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like mine….. I’m on a horse…

 

I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless….

 

Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?

 

God is great! He took one of Adam’s ribs and made a loudspeaker…..

 

Everyone has pretended to die infront their pets to see if they would do anything.

 

Some like kettle bells – but I prefer a whistle….

 

Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

 

How can there be self help groups?

 

OMG! I can levitate birds!

 

Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone’s bathroom looks like 1 mirror at a time.

 

I won the Greek Lottery! I owe them 500 euro’s….

 

I’m bad with names, can I just ignore you?

 

Psychology – the art of pulling a habit out of a rat.

Half of the world’s misery comes from ignorance. The other half comes from intelligence.

 

If you want to change your life, change your mind.

 

When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, “Give me a table near a waiter.”

 

If you friend request me on Facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you’re a transformer.

 

The best things in life are free……for the first 90 days.

 

Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts; it’ll look like they’re trapped inside your phone.

 

Today I went on thesaurus.com & searched “ninjas”. The computer told me “Ninjas cannot be found”. Well played, ninjas, well played.

 

I’m not in favor of student loans. I think people should get their own student.

 

SPOILER: The whole Harry Potter saga turns out to be Harry’s hallucination while he starves to death under the stairs in his abusive home.

 

I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.

 

Whenever someone posts something like, “Just went on a massive friend-deleting spree!,” I’m never quite sure whether to feel like a winner for making the cut or a loser for having friends lame enough to think the world gives a crap.

 

The surest sign that there is intelligent life somewhere in the Universe is that it hasn’t tried to contact us.

 

Never look down on someone unless you’re giving them a helping hand up….

 

So I hear Thailand has its first female Prime Minister.

Or has it?

 

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

 

I’d be more optimistic if I thought it would help.

 

My printer just woke from sleep mode with a huge toner.

 

All you need is a sick mind and a healthy body.

 

Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.

 

Facebook is daycare for adults.

 

There are three kinds of lies… Lies, Damned Lies and Status Updates.

 

Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.

 

Technically, a slippery slope is the path of least resistance.

 

People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.

 

I guess what I’m proudest of is my ability to make the tough choices in hypothetical situations.

 

Life.. It’s just an f in lie.

 

BBC news: Call centre to move from Mumbai to Burnley. 

Oh great. We’ll not understand a word they’re saying….

 

BBC NEWS – Duke lands helicopter on water.

I’m guessing it was Bo or Luke, there’s no way it was Daisy.

 

Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to act like one.

 

How come all the girls on Facebook take so many photos of their mirrors?

 

Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.

 

Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.
George Bernard Shaw

 

I’ve just seen on the news that the govt are going to ‘cap’ old people – that’s a bit harsh isn’t it?

 

Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.

 

It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.

 

The reality is that if you have a job that requires a name tag, I’ll never give a crap what your name is.

 

There’s a first time for everything.
Except deja vu.

 

What’s the difference between a tramp and a hooker? 

Lipstick….

 

As I get older my fantasy hasn’t changed, I still want two women at the same time, the only difference is… one cooking and one cleaning…

 

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

 

Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

 

Talk about others and you’re a gossip. Talk about yourself and you’re a bore.

 

No, I’m not feeling violent, I’m feeling creative with weapons.

 

I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?

 

Penguins…… all dressed up and nowhere to go….

 

If Atheism is a religion then not collecting stamps is a hobby….

 

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

 

If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die.

 

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

 

Youngsters nowadays don’t knock on doors. They will call or text to let you know they’re outside.

 

▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ Sorry, I just dropped my bag of Doritos.

 

If it rains any harder Cliff Richards will start singing…

 

I solve many of my problems by simply ignoring them.

 

Sometimes my eye-rolls are the most exercise I get all day.

 

Hey, I found your nose – it was in my business again.

 

Laugh at your problems – everybody else does.

 

I have a love/hate relationship with mood swings.

 

If Serena Williams loses at Wimbledon she’s always got her bed at Premier Inn to fall back on…

 

The saying ‘You are what you eat’ only really applies to cannibals…

 

Every time I pull a flash drive out of a computer I feel like a spy.

 

Birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece.

 

If you photoshop out the wine glasses you’re left with a pic of rich white people flashing gang signs….

 

Are the Welsh the Irish that couldn’t swim?

 

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

 

Sanity is nice to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.

 

I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.

 

If you think what I say is offensive, you don’t want to hear the things that I stopped myself from from saying.

 

Facing your fears builds strength, but running away from them makes for an excellent cardio workout.

 

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

 

What on earth are you watching 
Up there?!”

“Women’s tennis semi final, mum”
 Epic porn bluff.

 

Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.

 

Insanity means never having to say “I’m Guilty”.

 

Steve Rowe is practising his anal lock….

 

iPhone predictive text is absolute shot….

 

The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.

 

If you say ‘Jesus’ backwards it sounds like ‘sausage’…

 

With age comes new skills. You can laugh, cough, sneeze and pee all at the same time.

 

Sometimes you just find a hat and think…… that’s a Facebook picture right there!

 

The best way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

 

We’d finished our meal and I asked the waitress for an Irish Coffee.
She brought me a cup of tea.

 

You’re so sad your friend comes with a footpump and a puncture repair kit….

 

That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and you end up walking in the same direction.

So you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute.

 

I’m trying to get back to my original weight. 7 lbs 9 oz

 

My day is not complete until I terrify a complete stranger.

 

Compassion is of little value if it just remains an idea. It must motivate how we respond to others and be reflected in all our thoughts and actions.

 

I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.

 

A smile is like tight underwear…it makes your cheeks go up…

 

Just finished reading the fifth book in the “learning to count” trilogy…

 

Learn to spell, kids. Auto Correct isn’t always write.

 

I’ve been told I have a face for Photoshop.

 

Remember, people only rain on your parade because they’re jealous of your sun & tired of their shade.

 

I wonder if all hot girls go through life believing that everyone is being genuinely nice to them all the time.

 

Our Olympics should include the egg and spoon race, the sack race and the three legged race…

 

Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends.

 

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.

 

Choose your Facebook profile pic carefully. It’ll be the one they use when you go missing.

 

I’m searching Facebook for people named Hontas, just because I think it would be cool… to poke a Hontas.

 

How can we know atheism exists? Where’s the evidence?

 

Steve Rowe is knitted by Ninja Nana’s ….

 

You smell nice…. Yes, I’ve just been to the lavatory

 

So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.

 

Has stomach cramps and achey joints – I think I have my first period!

There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.

 

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters…..

 

BBC News: Borrowers still struggle to get onto first rung of the housing ladder.
I’m not surprised, the poor sods are tiny….

 

Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube….

 

My wife said she was wearing a slinky dress so I pushed her down the stairs…. 
She was lying…

 

Use your head, or somebody else might.

 

‎”Working out at the gym!” – Every girl on Facebook’s status the day after she changes her relationship status to single.

 

Steve Rowe is going to make a FB account with the name “benefits” …That way when a few people add me, it’ll say “X and 6 other people are now friends with benefits”

 

When you aim for perfection, you discover it’s a moving target…

 

I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains.
I wonder what the other half is for?

 

You might as well stand and fight because if you run, you will only die tired….

 

1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance … 
The 5 stages of buying petrol.

 

Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane…?
What the hell were they so excited about?

 

I got an e-mail saying ‘At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”

 

Don’t make me come down there!
Signed God

 

Training… 100 single eyebrow lifts each side, 100 eyelid raises each side, 100 ears backwards and forwards, 100 lip snarls each side… Fingers and toes tomorrow… Need my protein shake now…

 

Amnesty International is 50 years old today – didn’t work then……

 

Act like a man of thought – Think like a man of action.

 

Nothing is so strong as gentleness. Nothing is so gentle as real strength.

 

MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:
ATD -at the doctor. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair. BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHO -is my hearing aid on? LMDO -laughing my dentures out. OMMR -on my massage recliner. ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can’t get up. Repost to share a laugh

 

I turned my phone onto “Airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

 

Let go! It’s MY ugly stick!

 

‎…Obama gets 41 gun salute – and every one missed.

 

I swear I’ll choke to death on my vitamin pills one morning – the irony!

 

Does Sri Lanka have a Prime Minister and, if so, is he the PMSL?

 

Seeing Victoria Beckham pregnant just reminds me of when those big snakes swallow a sheep whole.

 

I’ve always wondered who this Allen Key guy is….. he’s obviously brilliant at self assembly!

 

Biting is like kissing except there’s a winner…

 

The world inside of you is far bigger than the world outside….

 

How does a man show that he is planning for the future? ~ He buys two cases of beer.

 

I went to the Doctor and he said “describe the symptoms”, I said “Homer’s a fat git and Marge has blue hair…..”

 

I phoned the Lib/Dem HQ and asked if I could buy a copy of their report on the AV referendum, the operator said that they’d sold out, I told them that I knew that but would still like to buy a copy of their report on the AV referendum….

 

Teachers are such liars. At school they kept telling us pie is squared, but all the ones in Greggs are round.

 

Petrol prices may be higher than ever, but don’t believe people who tell you that diesel is cheaper. I tried it, and it cost six hundred quid to have it drained from my engine again.

 

In order to succeed in life you need 3 things – a wish bone, a back bone and a funny bone…

 

Eurovision.
Like listening to Borat’s Greatest Hits.

 

I went down to Specsavers today for an eye check up.
Needless to say I chatted up the receptionist!
He said I definitely need glasses.

 

Remember always that you are just a visitor here, a traveler passing through. your stay is but short and the moment of your departure unknown.

 

A wise man once said……………….. nothing….

 

Everyone’s entitled to have an opinion, the value of it is directly proportional to their experience in the subject and their wisdom…

 

If you lend someone a fiver and never see them again – it was probably worth it!

 

Through violence, you may ‘solve’ one problem, but you sow the seeds for another.

 

That which separates us from the animals is our ability to lie….

 

If you watch Mr. Bean without the laughter track, it’s a very moving drama about a man with severe learning difficulties who struggles to cope with simple everyday tasks.

 

David Cameron has claimed the myth of bin Laden being a freedom fighter, living in austerity is over.
“The reality was very different: a man who encouraged others to make the ultimate sacrifice while he himself hid in the comfort of a large, expensive villa.”
Sounds familiar David.

 

10 years. Trillions of dollars. Thousands of soldiers dead. State of the art technology. The US finally found Bin Laden.
In his house.

 

Neutrons have mass?
I didn’t know they were Catholic…

 

So the Americans have shot Bin Laden dead….. Wonder who they were aiming for?

 

I’ve been really stressed out this last few weeks and my mate’s suggesting I do Yoga
But how is having sex with a bear going to help?

 

Illegal immigrants only come to the UK so they can see their own G.P.

 

“Why is it when a man makes love to many women he’s the greatest but when a woman makes love to many men she’s considered a whore?
Because a key that can unlock many locks is a good key, but a lock that be unlocked by many keys is a crappy lock…..”

 

World of Warcraft’ players reckon that getting to level 48 is “better than sex”.
But how do they know?

 

I saw the real IRA on the news yesterday but they were wearing balaclavas, how do we know they were the Real IRA?

 

‎”You know what they say about crazy chicks….”
“You have to shoot them in the head or they don’t die…”
William Shatner

 

Life is an STD that has a 100% mortality rate…

 

At least Kate Middleton gives you stamps worth licking…

 

When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?

 

Phantom mobile phone vibrations are your ancestors trying to contact you….

 

I found that marathon quite easy….

 

My mate is running the marathon today.
He just text me saying, “I’m hoping to run it in just under 4 hours”.
I text back, “Why don’t you just run it with everybody else this morning?”

 

If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.

 

The tongue like a sharp knife… Kills without drawing blood. – Buddha

 

“You can never be certain of the authenticity of quotes on the internet” -Abraham Lincoln

I think the Burka should be compulsory for quite a wide range of people….

 

BBC News: Pope records Thought For The Day
Old people managing to use Sky+ is obviously very newsworthy.

 

David Cameron has today officialy sacked Nick Clegg.
He was no longer needed.
David had worked out the use of toilet paper…

 

Don’t think of yourself as a failure, think of yourself as unspoiled by success.

 

I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you!!

 

Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am.”

 

The first step is admitting you’re a problem.

 

It’s cool…I don’t care, you don’t have to LIKE me…..I’m not a FACEBOOK STATUS!

 

It’s okay to be ugly…but aren’t you overdoing it?

 

To err is human, to forgive is divine. In other words, the forgiving is somebody else’s job.

 

If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic.

 

We all know the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend – Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. – Or in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

 

Spotted: Homeless man with a sign that said bet you can’t hit me with a 50p! Genius!

 

If you think your dog can’t count, try putting three dog treats in your pocket and then give him only two of them.

 

My idea of a high stress job is one where you work with other people.

 

If your plan A doesn’t work, don’t sweat it. The alphabet has 25 more letters. 

 

They say your shoe size directly relates to your penis size.
That makes my fear of being raped by clowns even scarier.

 

The bidet – invented by someone who got tired of doing handstands in the shower.

 

Always listen to your heart. Even though it’s on your left side, it’s always right..

 

I hope to someday live in a world where we all remember which side the petrol tank is on.

 

Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.

 

The speed in which a woman says “Nothing” when asked “What’s wrong?” is inversely proportional to the severity of the coming storm.

 

The last thing I want to do is hurt you…… But it’s still on the list….

 

It’s simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it….

 

I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one.

 

If swimming is great exercise, explain whales to me .

 

I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.

 

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you put a chameleon on a mirror?

 

A man came up to me and said “you must follow Jesus”…
I replied “I didn’t know Jesus was on Twitter”..

 

If you didn’t get caught, did you really do it?

 

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

 

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I was going, Officer.

 

Well, I see no one turned up for first day of ninja school… or did they?

 

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

 

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

 

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

 

We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

 

The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.

 

I was naked on a fridge in Curry’s and arrested for Indesit exposure…

 

So David Beckham – what about these stupid transfer rumours? 
They’re not transfers – they’re tattoos!

 

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

 

No one ever answers my questions, but they always question my answers.

Be a Minimalist. It’s the least you can do.

 

If you think life is unfair, you’re not gonna be too thrilled about death.

 

My friend’s password for the Disney website is “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto” I asked her why, she said “They told me to use 4 characters”

 

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

 

Why does everyone say my name like it means “Shut Up”?

 

Winning a losing battle.

 

I tried to drown my sorrows, but they were strong swimmers.

 

My doctor e-mailed me asking if I knew my “blod group”. I replied, “typo.”

 

The future is much like the present, only longer.

 

Some open minds should be closed for repairs.

 

I must say you really have an open mind. And a mouth to match.

 

Age is just a number… yeah, and jail is just a room.

 

I’d go to the gym more but you have to park like 2 streets away!

 

Musical Chairs. Because kids don’t have a hard enough time feeling left out.

 

It’s you and me against the world and I’m switching sides.

 

Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.

 

On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?

 

You always remember your first crush. Mine was Orange.

 

I can rise and shine. But not at the same time.

 

It’s always so embarrassing when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.

 

Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!

 

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

 

No one would listen to you talk if they didn’t know it was their turn next.

 

The most reliable way to save face is to keep the bottom half of it tightly closed.

 

Hard work never killed anybody, but it does keep you off Facebook.

 

Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing. 

 

There’s no fool like an old fool. But some of you young fools are showing real promise.

 

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

 

Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?

 

Resisting temptation is easier when you think you’ll probably get another chance later on.

 

For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept. 

 

If actions speak louder than words, why can’t I hear mimes?

 

My wife and I had words but I never got to use mine.

If they really wished I was there, why didn’t they invite me on their trip in the first place?  

 

Women who say size doesn’t matter are shallow….

 

I’ve just requested that my ashes will be kept in a bag for life…..

 

I don’t want to sound like a badass but…

I eject my USB without removing it safely….

 

I tried to log on to Facebook. It said, “Cookies are required to operate.” I thought to myself, “Me too, Facebook. Me too.”

 

“BE YOURSELF!” is about the worst advice you can give to some people.

 

The 100m butterfly at the Olympics is not as terrifying as it sounds.

 

Don’t worry. When I snap you’ll be the first to go.

 

Technically all breakfasts are continental, unless you eat them in the ocean.

 

Lowercase letters: just like uppercase letters, but without the drama.

 

I don’t recommend chasing your dreams. You’re in no shape to be running.

 

The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.

 

If I was invisible, I’d find a performing street mime and beat him up – the applause would be astounding!

 

You don’t get old, you just become a classic.

 

Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?

 

Spelling is a lossed art.

 

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

 

I haven’t been ignoring you. I’ve been prioritizing you.

 

Life is mostly preparation followed by cancellation.

 

I love mankind. But, sometimes, I can’t stand people.

 

If you took a Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the result.

 

I’m the guy who put the laughter in manslaughter….

 

I’m going around the house and renaming things so they all start with an “i” before Apple does it… such as iToaster, iToilet, iDogs and iWife….

 

I’m wondering…… What is the speed of dark?

 

If you stop while you’re ahead, you get rear-ended.

 

I taught him everything I know and he’s STILL stupid!

 

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

 

When I have a boy I’ll name him ‘SPARTA’ so everytime i’m introducing him to someone I can shout THIS IS SPARTA !!!]

 

People always say to expect the unexpected. So if you expect the unexpected then the unexpected becomes the expected. So really your just expecting the expected.

  

I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I thought to myself, “Wow dogs are easily entertained…” Then I realized, I just watched my dog chase its tail for ten minutes…

 

If aliens ever land on earth and demand to see our leader, our best chance of survival is to bring them to Lady Gaga.

 

I’ve managed to lose over a stone on the Adam Ant diet.
It’s really very easy: Don’t chew ever, don’t chew ever.

 

Did you know that kangaroos cannot walk backwards? 
Australia has some weird laws.

 

Football consists of 22 men on the field desperately in need of a rest and 50,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.

 

I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he’d had, he started counting and fell asleep!

 

I’m not offended by what you say. I’m just glad that you’re stringing words into sentences now.

 

Don’t follow me – I’m lost too!

 

Don’t think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey……

 

There’s no known cure for an infectious smile.

 

Dyslexia for cure found!

 

It isn’t that I’m not a people person. It’s just that I’m not a stupid people person.

 

I’m not mooning you. I’m turning the other cheek.

 

If Carling did bunkai – it might work….

 

I was in the public toilets and had just sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said “Hi !, how are you ?” Embarrassed, I said, “I’m doing fine”. The voice said “So what are you up to ?”. I said, “Just doing the same as you, sitting here !”. From next door, “Can I come over?”. Annoyed, I said ” rather busy right now”. The voice said, “Listen, i will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions”.

 

 

Forgot to go to the gym yesterday, that’s ten years in a row.

 

My wife is left me because she said I’m childish, “If you say so…. so what am I?”  Wasn’t the best response…

 

 

If you can’t laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.

 

I would suggest a battle of wits but I suspect you’re low on ammunition.

 

I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

 

It’s time to stop making the same old mistakes in your life. Get creative. Make some new ones.

 

Be patient. The longer you wait for me, the sooner I will arrive.

 

You say ear wax. I say melting brain.

 

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be a consultant.

 

Claiming a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.

 

When they offer you “instant credit”, don’t they really mean “instant debt”?

 

Marriage: Betting someone half your shit that you’ll love them forever.

 

*WARNING* if you see an email saying, “2 free tickets to James Blunt”, DO NOT open it! It contains 2 free tickets to James Blunt!

 

I’m not late, I’m a ninja.

 

I measure my fitness level by whether or not my bath towel still fits around me.

 

I gave my wife plastic surgery. I cut up her credit cards.

 

Who honestly cares about Steve Jobs resigning, I mean what has he ever done for me?! 5 minutes ago via iPhone

 

I measure my fitness level by whether or not my bath towel still fits around me.

 

If a double dip recession is so bad, why did they make it sound so delicious?

 

I always say; if you can’t say anything nice, we have a lot in common

 

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 

Of course I know how to shut up. I just never know when to.

 

Today I saw a baby with a bib that said “This dumbass put my cape on backwards.”

 

My keys always end up in the pocket opposite of my free hand.

 

You can own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.

 

Everybody hates me because I’m so universally well liked.

 

Made a mistake? Don’t beat yourself up over it. We’ll do that for you.

 

You know, there are people that can get you help. Unfortunately, I’m not one of them.

 

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I’m typing this with my middle finger.

 

I can rise and shine – but not at the same time.

 

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government programme.

 

You never learn anything by doing it right.

 

When God made me, he was just showing off.

 

Having a dog is like having an alarm system that stains your floors.

 

I like the way you think. It’s almost as if you don’t.

  

Saying “I forgive you” is the kindest way to tell someone: “I still think it’s your fault.” 

 

1000 aches = 1 megahurtz

 

I hate it when I check my phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time I wasn’t paying attention.

 

If strippers are now called exotic dancers then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacist. 

 

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

 

Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns.

 

Life is like Facebook. People will LIKE your problems & comment, but no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.

My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update as the search bar.

 

I don’t necessarily agree with everything I say.

 

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.

 

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

 

Fool people into thinking you’ve got a horse by taking off a unicorns horn….

 

If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask someone else first.

 

Starbucks has a new 40th anniversary drink that’s sugar-free, fat-free and contains no whipped cream. It’s called coffee.

 

If you want to understand politics, you have to read between the lies.

 

Never bring a ladle to a knife fight. You’ll be able to dish it out but you’ll never be able to take it.

 

The other day I went on the rowing machine in the gym but it sank….

 

“I am the punishment of God…If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you.”Genghis Khan

 

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

 

Tired apostrophes risk falling into a comma.

 

The reason women ask so many questions is because they have an extra why chromosome.

 

The reason women ask so many questions is because they have an extra why chromosome.

 

The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.

 

My wife had auto correct long before iPhone.

 

I’ll betcha that Heimlich guy gets a lot of pats on the back.

 

I’m A Smart Person….I just do stupid things.

 

Once they stop talking to you, they start talking about you.

 

The iPhone is useless to an immature person like myself. I type “5318008″ into the calculator and turn it upside down, but the screen rights itself.

 

If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn’t succeed either.

 

Satire is being silly about the serious. Sport is the exact opposite.

 

It said ‘striptease’ but I think that drinking tea naked could be a somewhat dangerous activity…

 

As smoking is to the lungs,so is resentment to the soul; even one puff is bad for you. Elizabeth Gilbert

 

You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.

 

I hate when your mad at someone and they make you laugh.

 

It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. I’ve learned to hate fun because I want a super buff face.

 

I’m at a point in life where enjoying lots of bars just means a good mobile phone service.

 

Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.

 

Adversity causes some men to break, and others to break records.

 

My mate rang me and asked, “What’re you doing at the moment?”
I said, “Probably failing my driving test.”

 

“I am the punishment of God…If you had not committed great sins, God would not have sent a punishment like me upon you.”Genghis Khan

 

‎”A good teacher has a love of teaching. A great teacher has a love of learning”…

 

My body is a temple. Of doom.

 

Did you put your make up on with a hand grenade?

 

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

 

Mirrors don’t lie. Lucky for you, they can’t laugh either.

 

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realise how close they were to success when they gave up.” – Thomas Edison

 

‎”Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” – Albert Einstein

 

Busy mind has trouble thinking things through and confuses things. This gives us an idea of how important it is to use wisdom in our work..

 

If you say ‘gullible’ really slowly it sounds like orange…

 

I don’t understand the fuss about the speed of light.
It’s been really slow since I changed to energy saver bulbs.

 

‎”We don’t allow faster than light neutrinos in here” said the bartender.
A neutrino walks into a bar.

 

My house caught on fire and the police think it was arson,
I told them it couldn’t of been because he’s on holiday with his mates.

 

We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

 

Your call to action went straight to voicemail.

 

I’ve decided to get in shape. The shape will be “potato”.

 

When all men think alike, no one thinks very much.

 

Be a Minimalist. It’s the least you can do.

 

I have a strong will, but a weak won’t.

 

Cowards aren’t always bullies but bullies are always cowards.

 

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

 

At least a stalker is there for you…..

 

There’s no such organisation as ‘Chocoholics Anonymous’ because no one wants to quit.

 

If you think your dog can’t count, try putting three dog treats in your pocket and then give him only two of them.

 

Never had a mentor – unless tormentors count.

 

The first step is admitting you’re a problem.

 

I’m half ambidextrous…..

 

Just found a website for all you emo’s out there. 
emos.com/wrists

 

I have decided to form my own language of onomatopoeia, words should mean what they sound like! Reticulate is a cross between rotate and articulate so you should be able to reticulate your joints….

 

“Meditation is the ultimate mobile device; you can use it anywhere, anytime, unobtrusively.” ~ Sharon Salzberg

 

What do we want? Bigger placards. When do we want them? No

 

I went to the Natural History museum today and I found out something interesting.
Massive skeletons used to roam the earth.

 

When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time. 

 

I understand good things come to those who wait. Might I enquire, how long is the line?

 

You’re so ugly I’d have to put a bag over your head before my dog would hump your leg!

 

i can only know my own practice. My only victories are over myself.

 

A Kung Fu analogy: ‘Chi ku zhi tang’ – ‘eating bitter becomes sweet’….

 

Leadership is a two-way street, loyalty up and loyalty down. Respect for one’s superiors; care for one’s crew.”

 

The worst things in life are also free….

 

If you think about sex every 3.14159265 seconds does that make you pi-sexual?

 

If you talk too much, the universe begins to yawn. 

 

Do you think horses worry about unicorns, just like humans worry about aliens?

 

I’d like to leave you with one thought. But I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it.

 

If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.

 

It seems that Steve Jobs isn’t dead – the nurses were just holding him the wrong way…

 

‎3 characeristics of existence- All things are impermanent, unsatisfactory and not self…

 

3 things you need to make it – to be awake- to search for truth – to have like minded friends. Buddha, Dharma, Sangha.

 

Zazen is not a means of training, it’s the Dharma practise of awakening.

 

Funny how when we lose our temper, we lose our happiness along with it…..

‎”It always seems impossible until it’s done.” – Nelson Mandela

 

Was walking over rough ground and down steep narrow paths yesterday like a man with a broken arse…

 

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat animals and those less fortunate than them….

 

A good rebel will change things – not bang their head against a wall and whinge… It’s what gets done that counts.

 

In meditation we talk of coming back to the present — but we never leave it. Zen Graffiti

 

Your Tai Chi ‘Core’ goes from your crown chakra to the arches of your feet…

 

Great thoughts speak only to the thoughtful mind, but great actions speak to everyone.

 

The ability to be curious and continuously question is a crucial part of our spiritual process, it invites openness of heart and mind.

 

My wife told me to see things from a woman’s point of view – so I looked out of the kitchen window…

 

Never wrestle with a pig-you both get dirty but the pig likes it.

Buddhist meditation. The great universe has no outside. The great perfection has no inside. Zen Master Bukko

Once they are properly developed, the mind’s good qualities increase indefinitely. – Dalai Lama

 

I’m Not Arguing. I’m Simply Explaining Why I’m Right.

 

My friend asked me to come up with Eleven jokes about Wimbledon. I think Tennis enough.

My secret techniques are safe because I can’t remember them either!

 

There’s nothing worse than uncomfortable shoes…

 

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once. ALBERT EINSTEIN

 

Ask not what can Martial Arts do for you but what the hell are you doing there!

 

Ask not what’s in your head, but what your head’s inside of…..

 

No brain no pain…..

 

If your dog thinks you’re the greatest person in the world, don’t seek a second opinion.

 

Do it tomorrow. You’ve made enough mistakes for today.

 

I hate change. I didn’t used to. But I’ve changed.

 

Microsoft users have been proven right for once. They always said Steve Jobs couldn’t build a computer to save his life.

 

“My mate reckons he always cries after sex. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mind you, he is in prison.”

 

Paul McCartney’s finding it hard to adapt to his new wife. When she asks for a foot rub he still keeps reaching for the sandpaper.

 

I went on a positive thinking course.. It was crap.

 

I’ll play fair if I get to make up the rules.

 

If you really wanna freak someone out, wait for a quiet moment, then say “Did you really just think that in your head?”

 

BEING FOOLISH IN MEDITATION
On the whole, the practice of meditation is a sloppy job. You have to accept that you have been a fool and start with being foolish. In the beginning, deciding to try the practice of meditation is just leaping to some conclusion about what to do. In doing the practice at the beginning, rather than really meditating, you just imagine that you are meditating. So to begin with, the whole practice is based on confusion. And confusion is accepted as part of the path. Since the situation is very loose and unorganized, it is as though you are leaping into unknown territory. A lot of people find that very frightening. You are not quite sure what you are involved with. But that is the only way to get into the practice.
—Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche

 

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; and an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. Winston Churchill

 

It’s easy to believe someone when they tell you EXACTLY what you want to hear.

 

Me? Ignorant? I don’t know the meaning of the word

 

Silence is not only golden, it is rarely misquoted.

 

Calories (noun) – Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a bit tighter every night.

Monday Buddhist: When there is no self there is nothing that is not self. Iida Toin

 

You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge.

 

Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.

 

I gave my wife plastic surgery. I cut up her credit cards.

 

If you talk too much, the universe begins to yawn.

 

Do you think horses worry about unicorns, just like humans worry about aliens?

 

I’d like to leave you with one thought. But I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it.

 

If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.

 

Zebras are just living, breathing barcodes.

 

You are not a photographer…..You just have an overpriced camera.

 

If the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.

 

I liked you when we first met, but now you’ve talked me out of it.

 

I hate it when I plan a conversation with someone in my head and they don’t follow the damn script.

 

You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Winston Churchill

 

A pessimist sleeps alone. An optimist is just two people short of a threesome.

 

There are really only two seasons… allergy and flu.

 

I asked my Dad if it was possible to get aids off a toilet seat? He said it was, but only if you sat down, before the other bloke got up.

 

I’M SO SORRY. Did my back hurt your knife?

 

Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.

 

I’m not Rude, I’m just Honest.

 

If money can’t make you happy, you won’t like poverty either.

 

If the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.

 

You are not a photographer…..You just have an overpriced camera.

 

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?

  

I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.

 

Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

 

Some crazy woman knocked on my door with a little boy this morning. She said, “Say hello to your dad.” I said, “There must be some kind of mistake, that’s not my dad.”

 

Some people need to realise that Facebook is a social network, not a diary.

 

If you want to cry use a tissue, not your Facebook status.

 

Dyslexics are teople poo….

 

Never sacrifice who you are just because someone else has a problem with it…

 

Lately, it seems to cost more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

 

Some open minds should be closed for repairs.

 

How can you tell if an Emo has been in a knife fight?

 

If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn’t succeed either.

 

I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.

 

Life has not passed me by.
It has settled on my face.

 

I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free. – Michelangelo

 

When I hear somebody sigh “Life is hard” I’m always tempted to ask “Compared to what?”

 

I’ve spent the day in a German police station. Word to the wise .. Don’t go hailing a taxi in Germany like you do in Britain.

 

Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.

 

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

 

‎”Winnie the Pooh has gone to the West Indies”. “Antigua?” “No, I think he’s gone with Piglet”

 

God sleeps in the minerals, awakens in plants, walks in animals, and thinks in man. 
Arthur Young

 

Autocorrect can kiss my ask!!!

 

You can make the new iPhone work just like a Blackberry By turning it off.

 

“I before E, except after C” but not in the word “alzheimers”, guess someone forgot the rule.

 

At last,after years of atrocities & the appalling treatment of millions,it’s over. Details are sketchy but Westlife are splitting up…