“You didn’t turn up for class last night?”
“Sorry Sensei… had a family commitment..”
“Right….. and……”
“Well, family comes first doesn’t it?”
“You couldn’t phone?”
“Oh yeah… sorry I didn’t think…”
“Next time I would appreciate a call because I had planned some of the teaching around your needs last night and was counting on you help with the teaching.”
“Yes but you do understand that family comes first don’t you?”
“It’s not a case of who or what comes first. Your family commitment meant that you prioritised the event in front of your Martial Arts training, good manners dictates that you inform me as soon as you know that you can’t attend. I wouldn’t judge your choice, but simply expect that you would fulfil your obligation to me of keeping me informed.
If it was a minor family commitment and a major Martial Arts event you may choose the Martial Arts event, in that case you would phone the family member and inform them that you would be able to attend.”
“I’m not sure I like the word “obligation”… it smacks of feudal Japanese Samurai type blind loyalty…”
“It’s an English word… and is a reasonable translation of the Japanese term “giri” but one that would be used by any person who has self respect and respect for others.
When you started training I had to win your respect by teaching you in the best way I possibly could, you had to win mine by turning up at the appointed place and time, paying attention to me and working as hard as possible with my instruction. Over a period of time our relationship developed and our respect for each other’s time and effort. You tell me when and what you can attend and I’m happy to see you there and teach you.
Because of this mutual respect, we take care to look after each other where possible. This is why students do as much as they can to make the Sensei’s life comfortable, because he is like a Father to them; and the Sensei cares for his students like they are his children. We have a mutual obligation. This is why in Chinese Martial Arts you hear the terms “my Kung Fu Brother” “Uncle” “Aunt” and so on.
I respect you enough to accept which events in your life take priority over others, I only ask for good manners and you to fulfil your obligation be keeping me informed...
“But sometimes others make you choose…”
“Each step in life we make is a choice, we simply seek to make the responsible one. We agree commitments with both family and Sensei and keep them. If an unusual commitment or conflict comes along we choose which is the most important and inform all parties as soon as possible. A good Sensei will never force you to choose and you already appreciate that what you only get out of both Martial Arts and family is commensurate to the effort you put in. A Martial Artist will develop good relationships and balance all round. It’s YOUR choice, a strong person will listen to his or her own inner self when it comes to making decisions.
What worries me in modern society is that in previous generations, children were brought up in families that taught children that they were to be “seen and not heard” and were encouraged to put others needs before their own. This was considered to be “good manners’ if you had one slice of bread you would offer it to others before taking it yourself and would always share and help.
Now children seem to be the centre of attention and feel that the world revolves around them and their needs. Selfishness seems to be normal and caring for others is an alien concept. Older generations previously revered for their wisdom are ignored and shut away in separate homes. Where young people aspired to be like the older generations – now the old aspire to be like the younger….
The children coming in to the clubs today are the same raw material that we’ve always had with the exception that fitting in, caring for others, sharing and respect have to be taught more by the Sensei’s. When you look at some of the parents you can see why. Most children that leave the club do so more because their parents are fed up bringing them rather than they want to stop training. Parents don’t encourage commitment in their children and also fail to encourage their qualities, bullying and negative parents can’t understand why their children copy their traits…….
If the students pay by direct debit you quickly realise no one gives proper notice and tells the truth as to why they wish to stop. Most people are unable to complete a commitment and will lie through their teeth and make a multitude of excuses to get out of it. People with good manners and a sense of obligation are rare these days and worth their weight in gold.”
“But the old ways weren’t necessarily the best..”
“You’re right… but that doesn’t mean that we have to throw the baby out with the bathwater…. If I could give my child one gift in life, it would be to have a proper sense of “giri” or obligation, the ability to put others needs in front of their own. So many people go through Martial Arts and life itself missing the major benefits purely because they closed all the doors with their own ignorance….”